A Five Onion Review!
By Eve Gaal
Twice a year I make a delicious recipe I found in Gourmet Magazine. Gourmet may still be online but the print version has gone the way of the Herald Examiner and other famous print publications. Boo hoo. This particular recipe is called Cider Braised Pork with Caramelized Onions and I’m sorry to say, but even the strict vegans and vegetarians I know were buckling at the knees and asking for seconds when I served this dish. Those of you who don’t cook, please stay with me here for a short while because this article is not about the recipe, it’s about things that make me cry. You see, Cider Braised Pork with Caramelized Onions takes five onions. After chopping the first onion, my tears are flowing down my face and dripping into the sink. I wipe my face and start chopping the second onion. I’m blinking back my saline tears and they’re splashing against my glasses. Now the room is fogged up and I’m chopping the third onion. Closing my eyes, I try wielding my sharpest knife with my eyes closed. Not a good idea. On the fourth onion, my husband walks into the kitchen and asks me why I’m crying. I point to the onions and he laughs and tells me to close my mouth. His brilliant idea is that if I am not breathing the onion fumes, then they won’t make me cry. Shooing him out of the kitchen, I proceed to chop the fifth onion. I close my mouth, but still the tears are flowing like the Yellowstone River after a storm. I look like I just endured a harrowing experience and ended up the lone survivor of a river rafting trip. Fun and dangerous at the same time.
You’re still with me, I hope? Anyway, the point is that afterwards I feel wonderful. It is a cleansing and irritating feeling at the same time. An ablution reminding me that I can’t always control biological functions at will. Rarely do we get the opportunity to cry and feel better afterward. That’s why I’m suggesting you read My Funny Valentine. Therapeutic and hilarious at the same time, it will have you crying your eyes out page after page. Why wait until you chop onions? All you have to do is pull out your trusty copy of My Funny Valentine and you’ll be reading stories and poems that are sure to crack you up. Tears will be fogging up your glasses and splashing down your cheeks! So based on my new non-scientific rating system, I’m giving My Funny Valentine… Five Onions!!