Godzilla vs. the Mall

If you’re not reading this, it probably means that they are scraping your blood-stained body off the floor at Uber Mart, where they’re having a special on bobble-head dolls and inflatable Santas. Sooo worth it!

As a rule, I would rather be tied to an ant mound and covered with honey than go Christmas shopping. My shopping trips are normally very focused and carried out with military precision. I locate the item(s) on my list, sprint for the register, and throw money at the confused cashier on my way out the door.

Unfortunately, I am not built for speed. My osteoporosis and I would never survive a Black Friday stampede in an electronics store. You definitely don’t want to lose your footing anywhere near Gloria Lister. I hear that she wears cleats.

I decided instead of shopping, to do some research for a book. I firmly believe in personal experience to help add life to a story. This is a recent development in my life, born out of personal challenges and lack of good programming on TV. This hands-on approach would require field trips to exotic places.

On a suggestion from a friend I typed Pee Dee basin into my search engine and made a remarkable discovery: the Lizard Man of South Carolina. Since the name “Godzilla” is already taken, let’s just call him Hal.

The first recorded sighting of Hal was from a 17 year old boy’s police report. Mr. Davis was able to get into his car before the 7 foot critter ran him down, so Hal took out his frustration on the car’s side view mirror.

Godzilla picks on unsuspecting elevated trains, while Hal picks on innocent minivans. I think we can all see the connection: Monsters hate commuters. Evolution has equipped Hal with 3 inch talons in order to better rip up your leather interior. Aside from the lack of belching flames and a fatal attraction to high tension lines, the similarities are uncanny.

Last year on Black Friday, without regard for my personal safety, I headed for Mayesville, South Carolina. It was here that I realized that there were no neon signs indicating the names of local swamps. I chose the most likely location of Scape Ore Swamp based on the lack of “No Trespassing” signs in the area. After driving for several hours, I was not going home without slogging through a swamp. I parked my truck down a dirt road as bait for Hal. Under the canopy of trees, only the wheezing of my overexcited dog broke the silence.

In that moment I could clearly see one overriding truth. I would rather be standing in alligator infested swamps than waiting in line at the mall. Even though Hal was a no-show, the prospect of meeting up with his 3 inch talons was less scary than Gloria Lister’s cleats.


15 thoughts on “Godzilla vs. the Mall

  1. Karla,

    I couldn’t agree with you more! I don’t enjoy shopping so much as the rest of my female counterparts, and yes I do make a list (like you) and go in and out as fast as possible when shopping. I usually go with a purpose. Too much shopping can waste time that can be spent doing better things. Anyway, your post is just hilarious, esp about Gloria’s cleats! Black Friday has just become too big of an event! Glad you didn’t find ‘Hal’ either, but that probably would have been more exciting if it had worked out! Take care and enjoy the holiday!

  2. Group think and crowd mentality are evidence of a great saying I heard: “A person can be smart but people are stupid.” There are great deals online with no lines.

    • I’m definitely a fan of online shopping. It beats spending time in the emergency room next to the woman who threw the first punch over the sale on Play Stations. I hear she did time after Black Friday, 2009.

  3. Pingback: Writers of Mass Distraction | Telega Tales

  4. Karla, I have to agree with you. In spite of the very tempting Black Friday deals, I’d rather do just about anything that face the Insane Black Friday Mob. I hate shopping under the best of conditions–I’d rather shop online. Browsing and window shopping are a monumental waste of time.

    Too bad you missed Hal.

  5. I’m totally a fan of online shopping. And these days, lots of sites have free shipping. I don’t do malls. Or Uber marts.
    I may, however, have to put on my boxing gloves and hockey mask and brave the lines at Kohl’s this weekend. I love me some Kohl’s.

  6. I went shopping on Black Friday but missed the fight that broke out in the parking lot of Walmart over some stupid tv or whatever it was. The ironic thing about it wasn’t what the fight was over, it was the “We Are Optimist” trailer parked next to the location of the fight. I had to get a kick outta that one. Black Friday worked out wonderful for me. I was able to get the kids their major gifts and have money left over. How cool is that.

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