Monsters! Monsters! The Writing Ones

“Monsters! Monsters!” That’s something I used to run around the house and say when I was about two years old. I loved them even though they made me pee my diapers. Really. I loved having the crap scared out me. *** I’m a weirdo*** Sort of. I guess. Um…still am.

“Monsters! Monsters.” My grandfather chuckled after I had my fifth daughter. “You’ve always loved them. Now you’ve got your own.”

“Monsters! Monsters!” I say now after I’ve read a few not-so-good novels by famous and newbie authors. Mistakes are splattered throughout and their story-telling skills went somewhere else because it didn’t end up in that particular book. It’s possible the monsters scared it away.  Total ugh!

That’s what this piece is about, our own monsters in writing. The ones that keep you from being published. The ones that get you the bad book reviews. The ones that keep you up all night angsting over how you can undo your subordinate clauses.  The ones that keep you away from your writing. Yeah, those monsters.

Here are a few of my monsters:

Stupid Monster Mistakes for The Whole World to See

I’m one if those who can’t edit myself all that well and will sometimes publish blogs (and chapters to my novels)  that make absolutely no sense at all. At that particular moment, I’ve self deluded myself into believing the post is blemish free. Only to go back, read it, and see thousands of stupid mistakes. Spelling. Grammar. Sentence structure. I hate those kinds of monsters. Totally embarrassing. It’s almost as bad as asking some  well-endowed (in all places) chick when her baby’s due.

The Muse

My muse can be an absolute Medusa turning my brains into absolute stone. I’ll sit for hours staring at my blank computer screen waiting for her to speak.

 On the other hand, she can be quite rude and bothers me when my hands are busy doing other things. Driving the car. Washing the dishes. Lopping someone’s hair at work. Walking the dogs. Preparing dinner. How rude is that? She can be such a monster. I can think of another choice word. It begins with a ‘B’. 

Sometimes My Critters

Well…sometimes. One time I handed in a chapter where one of the characters threw a pit bull across a room into a mirror. The mirror shattered and the dog walked away unscathed.  Three critters told me they’d stop reading it right there and would never read anything I’d write and publish in the future. ***me eye-brains crossed here***

Has anyone ever read the Hannibal Lecture seires? Why can we read about serial killers skinning peeps alive but not about pit bulls being thrown into mirrors? But then again, what do I know. Right?

And, there are those times when no one agrees and I’m left to my own devices. That one can be a big scary monster.


Apparently, I don’t know the difference between a rifle and a shot gun. And, I have no clue about what a semi looks like on the inside. Research monsters! Yeah. If you don’t do the research you’re readers will probably trash your book. Bad, bad monsters!

My Job

It never fails when I’ve actually got a nice chunk of time to write, guess who calls me? The head slavemaster. “Do you think you can come in and work so-and-so’s shift today? Since you’re a shift-manager, you know the rules?”

Will these monsters ever leave me alone  and get their act together  so I can write uninterrupted and smoothly?

What are your monsters?

This entry was posted in Humor, Reflection, Uncategorized, Writing by conspiracyqueen. Bookmark the permalink.

About conspiracyqueen

Wife. Mother of five daughters and two dogs, Honey Bear and Sir Poops-A-Lot. A new grandma to Ho-Ho and another one coming, little Glowstick.Hairdresser at forty hours a week. A wanna-be author the rest of the time. Finished novel, Secondhand Shoes. Currently, in the hands of Wyley-Merrick for review. Working on The Boy Next Door. Title, subject to change. Member of Florida Writer's Association, Community Writer's Digest, and Writer's of Mass Distraction. And, feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Oh, and did I mention, I'm the Frag Queen.

7 thoughts on “Monsters! Monsters! The Writing Ones

  1. Best blog ever. I hate monsters. Any monsters and these monsters sound like the scariest ones of all. Thanks for reminding me to watch out for them. At least I got rid of my slavemaster!

  2. Awesome post! The “Stupid Monster Mistakes” is especially great and true. Most people are terrible self-editors, me included. When I posted my “cutting room floor” blogs, I made sure to disclose that they’ve never seen an editor or even a read-over from me.

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